How to Keep a Relationship: Staying in the Heat

We talk about our relationships as if they have a life of their own. They 'run their course', things will 'work themselves out', or they 'should be effortless'. But think of one thing in your life that you cherish, that is without effort? Good 'o! Theodore Roosevelt said it: "Nothing worth having comes easy."

Athletes know this best. Athletes live this, practicing all year round to succeed through one season. Doing repetitive drills so that when it comes down to that one crucial moment, their system is ready.

Rewatching old tapes to see what they did wrong, where they can improve, and what was on point and worthy of celebration.

In this regard, we say, relationships are just like a sport.

Let's take tennis for example, and apply the same traits and qualities to our relationship. We don't throw the racket away after one bad match. We come back the next day and play again. We don't take one serve and fail if our ball is out of bounds. We serve again. We practice to become better, so that "better" becomes our second nature with time. The more we practice the easier it becomes. Oh, and of course, we aim for love ;)

If we don't carve out time, practice and commitment we'll never perfect that tree-pose or crush that pickle-ball game. Change takes time and doesn't happen overnight - you don't wake up being able to do a scorpion handstand.

Getting great doesn't happen overnight, and the same goes for relationships. It takes time and effort, and basically, a really good workout regime.

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Relationships are the same as a sport in that they:

• Require dedication, intentionality, and commitment.
• Require our time and resources.
• Require us to learn, grow, adapt, modify. Practice.
• Give us permission to play. We will have losses and wins. Each will offer depth, strength and character to our relationship and interaction. Each is an opportunity to learn something new.

Let's reflect on some core elements that we can easily adopt when we're giving our body a good workout, but somehow we never thought to apply to our heart workout:

• Stay in the heat - This is the hot sometimes hellish place that many of us avoid. This is the heart of the argument, scuffle or disagreement. Breath into and stay, or at the very least call timeout, but come back to the play. In other words, step out of your comfort zone and get into the growth zone.

This is called meaningful endurance - the ability to stay in discomfort in order to grow and develop.

• It's not about blame - the blame game in sports never gets teams anywhere. You and your partner are on the same team after all. It's not about blame, but about taking the learnings and evolving towards a better outcome next time.
  Rather than blaming, take ownership. Review your contribution to the play. It might feel vulnerable and hard, but looking away won't get you to gold.

Blame gets defenses up and your partner out.

• Your mistakes are your map for growth & success - ever wonder why athletes, and coaches, put themselves through the pain and anguish of watching mess up, misses and losses over and over and over again? It's so they can get better. In order to focus on the skills that require more practice, strength training, or what needs releasing - you have to be willing to watch the playback, and assess yourself.