he silent treatment, avoiding important discussions, or showing complete disconnect to the conversation; sound familiar? When your partner struggles with communication, it can create many problems and challenges in your relationship, causing you to feel frustrated, lonely, and often, completely disconnected. The good news is - all hope is not lost. With some empathy and patience, couples can often work together through common communication problems.
In this article, OurRitual experts share top communication tips for couples, exploring how to deal with a partner who does not communicate and strategies to bridge the gap.
Why Some Partners Shut Down During Communication?
When one partner goes quiet during conflict, it’s easy to interpret that silence as disinterest, stubbornness, or avoidance. But very often, a shutdown has less to do with unwillingness and much more with capacity.
Nervous system responses: fight, flight, freeze
When conversations become emotionally charged, the nervous system takes the wheel. Some people move into a fight (arguing, escalating, defending). Others move into flight (leaving the room, changing the subject). And many move into freeze—the state most often labeled as “shutdown.”
In freeze, words don’t come easily. Thoughts slow. The body is still responding, even if nothing seems to be happening on the surface.
Learned communication patterns from childhood
Many of us learned early on that expressing feelings led to criticism, dismissal, or conflict. For those individuals, silence once served as a form of protection. It makes sense that under stress, the body returns to what once felt safest.
Fear of conflict, criticism, or emotional overwhelm
Some partners shut down not because they don’t care, but because they care too much. The fear of saying the wrong thing, making things worse, or being misunderstood can make withdrawal feel like the least damaging option.
Unwillingness vs. inability to communicate
This distinction matters. Someone may deeply want to communicate and still feel unable to in the moment. Treating inability as unwillingness often escalates the very dynamic couples are trying to escape.
Communication Styles in Couples (And How to Adapt)
Most couples don’t struggle because one person is “bad at communication.” They struggle because they communicate differently.
Avoidant vs. expressive communicators
In many relationships, one partner copes by turning inward (withdrawer), while the other copes by turning outward (pursuer). The pursuer moves toward connection by talking. The withdrawer moves toward safety by pausing.
The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. The more one withdraws, the more the other pursues. Neither is wrong - but without awareness, this pattern becomes exhausting.
Logical vs. emotional processors
Some people process experience cognitively first, then emotionally. Others do the opposite. When these styles clash, one partner may feel the conversation is “too emotional,” while the other feels it’s “too cold.”
Verbal vs. non-verbal communicators
Not all communication is spoken. Facial expressions, posture, pacing, and distance are all part of the message. In therapy rooms, we pay constant attention to this - how close partners sit, who turns away, who leans in.
How mismatched styles create misunderstandings
When partners assume their way is the way, misunderstandings multiply. Adaptation, not sameness, is what creates connection.
10 communication tips for dealing with a partner who won’t communicate
#1 Get to the root cause
Before addressing the issue, it’s important to consider the potential reasons behind your partner's lack of communication. There are so many factors that could be at play, both internal and external. Stress (both inside and outside of your relationship), past traumas, fear of confrontation, or a communication style learned from a caregiver can all impact communication in a relationship.
How? Approach the situation with empathy. Seek to understand the circumstances that could be impacting your partner’s communication habits, rather than placing blame.
#2 Encourage open dialogue
An environment that encourages open communication is key to addressing any issues. Express your thoughts and concerns in a non-confrontational manner and invite your partner to do the same without feeling attacked.
How? Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. Instead of saying “You never talk to me”, try “I feel disconnected when we don’t communicate, could we speak about what might be going on?”
#3 Be patient and respect their boundaries
Remember, nearly every one of us will have a different communication style and your partner is no different! If your partner is naturally reserved, they may likely need more time to process their thoughts and emotions - be patient and allow them the space they need.
How? Avoid pressuring your partner to communicate on your timeline. Respect their pace and gently encourage them to share when they feel ready.
#4 Opt for the right time and place
Timing and setting can be everything when it comes to successful communication! Avoid addressing serious concerns in the heat of the moment or during stressful situations. By selecting the right time and place, the likelihood of a constructive and open conversation will increase.
How? Choose a calm and neutral environment for conversations where you can both feel comfortable expressing yourself. This might be at home or during a walk in your local park.
#5 Don’t forget to actively listen
Communication is a two-way street. When your partner does decide to share their thoughts and feelings, be an active listener. Focus on understanding their perspective and validating their feelings when they open up.
How? Avoid interrupting or immediately offering solutions. Try paraphrasing what your partner has said to show that you are engaged and genuinely making an attempt to understand their point of view.
#6 Speak with an expert
If communication challenges persist despite your efforts, consider seeking professional help. A relationship therapist or expert can provide a neutral and supportive space for you both to express yourself. They can also offer valuable insights and tools to improve communication skills and make your relationship grow stronger.
How? Spend time doing your research together and find an expert who will suit you both. If you and your partner would prefer affordable guidance that works around your schedule, consider online relationship guidance with OurRitual.
#7 Foster trust
Communication problems can often stem from a lack of trust or a fear of vulnerability. Create an atmosphere where both you and your partner feel secure enough to share your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Trust is the foundation of open communication, once established it can pave the way for more meaningful connections.
How? Work on building trust within your relationship by being consistent, reliable, and supportive.
#8 Remember communication isn’t always vocal
Communication is not limited to words alone; non-verbal cues play a significant role in conveying emotions. Sometimes, non-verbal cues can speak louder than words and provide valuable insights into your partner's emotional state.
How? Pay attention to your partner's body language, facial expressions, and gestures. Be mindful of your non-verbal communication to ensure it aligns with the message you want to convey.
#9 Make your expectations clear
Setting clear expectations regarding communication can help both partners understand each other's needs. Establishing a mutual understanding of communication preferences can reduce misunderstandings and create a more harmonious relationship.
How? Discuss how often you'd like to check in, what topics are important to cover, and how to navigate disagreements.
#10 Work on your communication style
While addressing a partner's communication challenges, it's essential to reflect on your communication style. Are you fostering an environment that encourages openness and vulnerability? Are you actively listening and validating your partner's feelings? By assessing your communication habits, you can contribute to a healthier dialogue within the relationship.
How? Practice self-reflection such as journaling and spending quality time with your thoughts.
When Communication Problems Signal a Bigger Issue
Not all communication struggles are the same.
Stonewalling vs. healthy boundaries
Pausing to regulate is different from refusing to engage altogether. Patterns over time matter more than individual moments.
A healthy boundary usually sounds and feels like a pause with intention: “I’m starting to feel overwhelmed, and I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. Can we come back to this later tonight or tomorrow?” Even though the conversation stops temporarily, there’s a sense of reassurance, containment, and a clear plan to return.
Stonewalling, on the other hand, tends to feel abrupt and disengaging. It often looks like shutting down without explanation, repeatedly walking away, or going silent for long stretches with no follow-up. Over time, this creates uncertainty and anxiety for the other partner… Are we ever going to talk about this? Does this even matter?
The key difference isn’t the pause itself, but what happens next. Healthy boundaries protect the relationship by regulating the moment. Stonewalling erodes trust by avoiding the conversation altogether. This is why patterns over time matter far more than any single instance.
Avoidance as a pattern
When difficult conversations are consistently avoided, resentment often grows quietly beneath the surface.
When communication masks deeper dynamics
Power imbalances, unresolved hurt, and lack of emotional safety can all show up as “communication problems.”
Red flags vs. normal struggles
Occasional shutdown is human. Chronic dismissal, contempt, or fear may signal the need for additional support.
OurRitual is on a mission to make good relationship care accessible to all. Our model was designed to remove barriers like cost, tight schedules, and partner participation. We do that with scientifically validated methods, supported by the most up-to-date research from the strongest names in the field.
Here’s how it works:
- You will work with a trained professional who can offer a wide variety of evidence-based interventions.
- In between your sessions, you will receive weekly videos with tried-and-tested knowledge and exercises focused on your specific needs and goals.
- The sessions with your dedicated expert will help you integrate what you learned into everyday life.
Start taking action and use these communication tips for couples to significantly improve your relationship communication, offering empathy, boundaries, and clear dialogue to bridge any gaps.
If you're seeking further assistance, start your journey with OurRitual today.
FAQs About Communication in Relationships
What does it mean when your partner won’t communicate?
It often reflects overwhelm, fear, or learned coping, not lack of care.
Is shutting down during conflict a form of avoidance?
Sometimes.
Other times, it’s a nervous system response that needs to be regulated first.
How can I communicate better if my partner gets defensive?
Slow down, focus on impact rather than intent, and reduce language that sounds like blame.
How do you talk to a partner who avoids emotional conversations?
Start by naming the process and inviting safety, not demanding disclosure.
Can communication issues improve without couples therapy?
Yes.
Communication can improve with awareness, practice, and support. Therapy can accelerate that process.
Are communication problems a sign of incompatibility?
Not necessarily. Many reflect differences, not dealbreakers.
When should couples consider therapy for communication issues?
When patterns feel stuck, painful, or repetitive, and attempts to change them haven’t helped.
